Erica Browne Grivas
When things don’t go our way, our first instinct is to find external conditions to blame. For example, we might say to ourselves, I can’t advance at work because of the corporate culture, the economy, or my boss’ personality.
In doing so we fail to consider a most impactful idea: that we are living within self-imposed limitations. Why is this so important?
First, because even if the culture, economy or your boss are factors in your professional success at your current role, those conditions are not under your control. Our self-beliefs are the strongest levers we have in shaping our perspective of the world, and while it may not feel like it much of the time, they are under our control.
Second, we tend to have a long-standing blind spot when it comes to self-reflection, so it would be foolish to ignore what influence our self-view may be playing in our life.
Our brains feed on past expectations to predict and respond efficiently to future situations. Conditional behavioral training techniques like Pavlov and his dogs use this mechanism to shape behavior. When the bell rings, it’s feeding time.
When first training a trick or behavior, a dog may need treats and lots of repetition. Eventually, they need fewer triggers to elicit the behavior. As the behavior becomes reinforced, the trigger or signal can be phased from treats to a word or hand signal.
Our bodies are doing this unconsciously all the time. We create protective patterns to avoid pain. If your shoulder is stiff, you might change your posture, leaning to the opposite side. That’s not a problem for a week or so, but over months can cause muscle imbalances and injuries.
Playing tennis recently for the first time in a long while, I realized I was hanging back, not running for the ball, just in case I might tweak my tricky knee. It was a casual hitting session, so I just let balls go by me. It made me wonder; what shots am I missing in other areas without realizing it?
As our nervous systems seek input from the environment about our safety, our body and brain respond – usually with one of our preset belief or behavior patterns. Some patterns are more obvious, like a positive association with chocolate and warm blankets, or getting tense before a test or a visit to the dentist.
Yet many were laid down even in childhood, based on something a parent or teacher said, or a mistaken conclusion you drew, and your brain has been building on that ever since. Because this process is lightning fast, and unconscious, it’s nearly impossible to prevent before we have a limiting response.
The trick is in paying attention to the physical and mental chatter happening internally. For some, it’s easiest to scan your emotional register first – for others, thoughts or bodily sensations are clearer.
The order doesn’t matter; they all work to increase your awareness of your emotional mechanics. Over time, you’ll notice your patterns such as, “when I’m anxious, my heart beats faster and I feel queasy.”
If negative thoughts arise, note them. Do you think you’re not ready/too old/unsuited for this job? If you are feeling upset, try distracting yourself with another activity that feels good. If you are calm, try questioning those thoughts – are they really true?
Are they serving you? The act of placing them in the spotlight, a little like ringing Pavlov’s bell, will help you be more aware the next time it happens.
In the job example above, if you are older than your colleagues, what experience do you bring that is helpful? Is there some action you’d like to take to remedy the conditions? Perhaps a course in AI or social media strategies would help you feel better prepared.
Look around in areas of your life you’d like to improve and consider where you can play bigger. Try to have a “why not?” attitude. In most cases, you have little to lose and much to gain. Even failing at something new increases your knowledge and readiness to try again.
Meditation is a way of pre-paving this process, by practicing quieting and noticing the internal dialogue, what Buddhists call the “monkey mind.”
Even if you don’t make time for meditation, noticing your feelings, thoughts and emotions will fast-track your progress to the life you really want.