Erica Browne Grivas
Courtesy
“What’s your greatest flaw?” asks the interviewer. “I’m a bit of a perfectionist,” the interviewee answers, looking away and faux-humbly shrugging their shoulders to indicate they just can’t help giving 120 percent to the job. Don’t try this at your next interview, however. Today’s interviewers see right through this, but it used to be a thing.
Perfectionism is a double-edged trait. Steeped in an aura of apparently good intention – to be or do your best – it seems unassailable. Yet perfectionism can be a trap, a block to creativity and one’s overall happiness.
Artists embracing the Asian concept of wabi sabi, which welcomes touches of imperfection, know the power of imperfection. It speaks to the authenticity of the vulnerability, impermanence and general unpredictability of life. Or as Persian poet Rumi wrote, “pain is where the light enters.” Think of an impenetrable fortress. It is awe-inspiring, but a ruined castle wall touches our hearts with thoughts of what the wall has endured over the centuries.
Author/ “shame researcher” Brene Brown highlights the strength of bringing fear and shame to light. Doing so creates stronger relationships, makes us more likeable and relatable, and enables progress that “perfect” doesn’t. Think about the difference between having a dinner of polite small talk versus conversations delving into deep, even scary topics – which will you remember? Which will help you get closer to your family and friends?
Consider some of the pitfalls of being (or trying to be) perfect.
What is perfect?
Often perfection is a vague ideal that shifts with fashion and mood. It’s a temporary construct that is both difficult to define and attain, which once realized, is all too easy to chip away at its veneer. The idea of being a “perfect” partner, employee, parent, or friend is a slippery concept that can make us crazy chasing it.
Social media feeds the dark side of perfectionism fostering comparison and unreasonable ideals of physical beauty.
Ironically, authenticity has become such a trend in commerce and social media and that we are seeing a kind of performative imperfection, as in “Watch me make a mistake,” or creating posts that intentionally say or show something incorrect to boost engagement. But, like the interviewer in the example above, we can sense true authenticity and vulnerability.
Is it realistic?
When I was in my early 20s, I almost quit playing tennis with my family. I would pop in a couple of times a year and become mortified at how many balls I was hitting into other courts. I wasn’t taking lessons or playing consistently, but I expected I should be as good as my youngest sister, father and grandfather who played all the time.
I was similarly terrible when I joined my high school swim team on a whim, but on the contrary, it didn’t faze me. I easily stuck with the long practices, becoming Most Improved Player that year and eventually team captain. The difference between swimming and tennis was that I had no worries or expectations around swimming, so no feeling of being watched or judged.
One day after playing, I somehow talked myself out of my misery. I realized that the only way to get better at tennis was to get through the whoofs and misses and keep playing. I would either improve, and at the very least have some fun – but only if I relaxed about the outcome.
What are you missing?
Sometimes, fear of failure keeps us frozen, unable to act. This translates to, “If I can’t do it well, why do it at all?” Other times, it keeps us in a middling zone of competency – the domain of the average, preventing us from trying things outside our comfort zones. You may have heard the phrase, “perfect is the enemy of the good.” Rather than fussing over getting all the details in place “perfectly” and the stars to align, it’s better to just do the thing – even if you don’t get it exactly right. Have the conversation, write the email, start a website. Progress is better than perfection.
In addition to the fun of trying something new, fear of being imperfect may be robbing you of your best work or moments of inspiration. If you are obsessed with creating an external ideal of perfection, it a) has been done before, and b) lacks your creative spark. To create something of your own, you need to let the idea of perfection go and let yourself play without focusing on how the outcome will be received. Consider carving out some time to riff on the guitar, sketch, or dance like no one is watching.
David Spindler, a cognitive specialist working with high-performance athletes, recently said on the Rich Roll podcast that people will have much better results striving for “precision over perfection.”
One way to implement this is focusing on measurable goals. Identifying them forces you to prioritize your most important goals while giving you something tangible to work toward and assess. When you find yourself struggling with feelings of inadequacy, ask yourself what vision you are trying to live up to and is it yours or someone else’s? What are the goalposts you are shooting for?
Once you pick an actionable goal that make a difference to you, give yourself permission to mess up and try again, and see what fun life brings you.