While flipping channels tonight I found a show on the Animal Planet: "Wild Animal Survival Guide." My channel-changing finger stopped functioning when I saw Colin Mochrie in a red jacket giving advice on how to survive an encounter with a polar bear. I love him on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?," so I thought I'd watch for a bit. After all, you just never know when a polar bear might come strolling into your yard.
When did polar bear encounters become a problem for the general population? OK, maybe for Canadians like Colin, but not so much for us down here below Latitude 47.
I would have preferred a survival guide on encounters with teenagers or Vice Presidential candidates, not that the latter is much of a problem these days. Anyone seen John Edwards lately? I keep expecting to pick up a carton of milk and find his smiling face beaming out at me.
OK, all right, I did see him during the Vice Presidential debate the other evening. At least I think it was him. It was hard to tell, what with all the mud being slung around. Someone should have told me to put my hip waders on before watching. In fact, a disclaimer ought to be added before any such debate. Did I say debate? I meant mud-slinging contest. It would have been more fun to watch had they invited a polar bear and then wrestled.
Since the journalistic community is abdicating its responsibility by not teaching the general public how to survive encounters with things best left unencountered, I feel it's my duty as a pseudo-journalist to fill that void.
Pamela's Guide on Encounters of the Uncomfortable Kind
Teenagers
This species, more commonly known by its scientific name Pimpleoneous KnowItAlleous, is easily recognized by an uncanny ability to ooze sugary substances at you in order to gain their goals one minute, then switching to fiery darts of sarcasm the next. Unfortunately for you, these wily creatures have evolved to the point where they have learned how to operate motor vehicles. Hiding your keys is not always the answer to this prickly and dangerous problem. Should you encounter one of these shape-shifting beings, toss your keys at them and run. It's your only hope.
Reality shows
Apparently this soul-sucking phenomenon has proliferated to the point where you may be faced with their unpleasantness with the mere change of a channel. Unless you are Growing Up Gotti, and your Fear Factor is set to low, you will not be able to Elimadate this experience without removing all televisions from your home. I suggest boxing them up and sending them to the producers of said garbage with notes telling them that they are apparently one of the signs of the apocalypse and you won't be needing your TV any longer as the world is about to end because of their stupidity. Then go read a book.
Heavy bass beats
While driving, you are often afflicted with a person in the car next to you who believes that you must share his love of music or, at the very least, his love of bass. This kind of music attempts to stop your heart with its deep-pounding rhythms. Here is the remedy: When stopped at a light next to such a being, get out of your car, clutching your chest and grimacing. Go over to the obnoxious person's vehicle and lie down on his hood. Stay there. Pretend to die. Writhing is good; denting his hood is even better. When he gets out to see what is wrong, jump off the hood, slip into his driver seat and rip his stereo out with your bare hands while yelling incoherently about the beast attacking your chest. He'll get the idea.
People who vote Democrat/People who vote Republican
You know who you are. There is no tried and true manner to deal with these people when they are telling you that your vote counts unless you are voting for the opposing candidate. Unless you can teach them to think outside the box and vote for Dave Barry, you have no hope of helping them back to the land of the sane. Slip them a Valium.
In conclusion, I'd like to say that there are many more things and/or persons you could conceivably come into contact with that will cause the Shock and Awe, the Duck and Cover, the Stop, Drop and Roll urges. Although I can't cover them all here, I would suggest that you always wear your tinfoil hat to stop Patriot Act from infiltrating your brain, always look both ways before crossing the street and make sure you have on clean underwear in case you encounter a polar bear in your backyard.
[[In-content Ad]]
