There is a plague in our society: it's called divorce.
Marriage has become viewed more commonly as a cheap arrangement-something easy to escape when one is no longer satisfied.
At first, couples are deeply "in love," and imagine being together forever. Husbands and wives find out later on in their marriage that making things work is at times extremely difficult. Arguments about housework or finances ensue. Perhaps one, or even both, decide they aren't "in love" anymore, and that it's time to move onto something or someone new.
There are divorces that are caused by violence or extremely high conflict in the home. Yet most divorces result from low-conflict marriages. Marriage has become so devalued that divorce is often seen as the best answer to these low-conflict marriages. Parents may think that divorce is really best for the kids so that the fighting will stop, but truly it sets a wave of traumatic changes in a child's life.
The divisions start and suddenly children are being shipped around, or they may only see one of their parents once or twice a year, maybe less than that. They spend more time alone and in limbo. They are constantly trying to figure out how to act around mom and dad.
The rules change between each parent. They likely will have to keep secrets from one parent, as the other parent tells them not to say anything when they go visiting. They often don't attain a sense of home if they are shipped around, taking turns visiting each parent.
Not only this, but they only live with one parent at a time. Kids need both mom and dad, as a unified front. When they are divided it just shows the kids that they don't need to respect either parent, because the parents don't respect each other.
My parents divorced when I was 12. It was a traumatic event-one that affected me more than I realized at the time. Since I've come to realize the impact divorce has had on my life, I've been closely observing the teenager I interact with, particularly the ones with divorced parents. I am concerned by what I see, and frightened by what I may see in the future.
I've seen books and read articles that reassure parents that, should they choose to divorce, their kids eventually will be just fine.
What these books and articles are actually saying is: "Everything will be just fine. Go ahead and pursue your own gratification. If you are happy, your kids will be happy. They are just kids anyway, they can adapt. It is all about your own happiness."
Kids and teens and even young adults, however, do not adapt at all well to that kind of change. Many children of divorce may never adequately address the issue in their lives, and may carry questions and insecurities throughout their lives.
It may be hard for some people to believe that divorce is even more traumatic for kids than we think, but it's true. Judith Wallerstein, a psychologist and researcher, conducted a 25-year research study on families of divorce, and she shares her findings in a book entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.
In the book, Wallerstein discusses something called the "sleeper effect." Young people lack the resources required to deal with the emotional implications and complexities that come with a divorce. Though it is immediately upsetting to them, they often don't have the emotional tools to deal fully with the issues that arise.
And later in life, when children of divorce reach adulthood and enter into romantic relationships of their own, many unresolved issues from divorce can surface to have an affect on their intimate relationships, as well as other aspects of their lives.
Basically, youth are "asleep" from the time of the divorce to the time they fully realize how it has affected them. This explains why children may at first appear to adapt well to divorce.
This is what happened to me. From age 12 to 19, I had no idea that many of my troubling "characteristics" were stemming from the divorce, and not because I was born with them.
For instance, I acquired a fear of abandonment from my dad leaving. I was needy and dependent in my relationships with men. I looked to the men in my life-including coaches, teachers and peers-to meet my need for a father figure. I had no idea that my acting this way had anything to do with my father's absence; I thought it was just the way I was. Needless to say, this fear caused much heartbreak and frustration in my life.
I also picked up a fear of rejection. I have always been a perfectionist, but the divorce upped that a few notches. I suddenly, in my perception, could do no wrong, for fear that one of my parents, or other people in my life, might reject me. I thought I had to be perfect to be loved-that was what I saw in the case of the relationship between my mom and dad.
There are other fears and issues I picked up as well, and I am thankful that at the age of 19 I began to realize these things, thanks in large part to a friend who was able to look past my defenses. It was only then that the pain of the divorce so many years ago hit me like a load of bricks; never in my life had I experienced such intense pain.
Now, as I talk to youth whose parents are divorced or on the brink of it, I ascertain similar yearnings and emotional deprivation in their lives. They too may carry such a burden without realizing it, and it may damage their ability to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Divorce affects kids more than we have come to believe. Of course if there are violent and extremely high-conflict situations than divorce or separation are the appropriate solutions for the safety of those subject to it. And in many cases one spouse may opt to leave, even if the other wants to work through the issues.
In lower-conflict marriages, however, where the decisions are mutual, people should try everything they can to work it out. I'm not making the statement "stay together for the kids." Rather, parents should do whatever they have to do to make it work; there are other options besides divorce. Marriage should be cherished as a lifelong commitment, with the understanding that it is not easy and conflict is inevitable.
How have couples in the past done it? I can guarantee that a lifelong marriage will be one of the best gifts you can ever give to your children, and set them up for a great future.
Ashley Marshall works as a teen mentor at the Magnolia Community Center. She can be reached at mageditor@nwlink.com.[[In-content Ad]]
