The light from the TV filled the room. It was late, and I couldn't sleep. "Slices, dices, chops and purees - you can't cook without one." Right, I thought. That's just what I need.
I keyed the remote. Click!
"...All the hit tunes you parked to in high school, this is the one rock collection you can't pass up!" Not all the tunes I parked to. Click!
"The new Garden Claw, from the makers of the Garden Weasel, is just the garden tool you've been looking for." Click!
Even though one of my advertising agency jobs during the '70s was obtaining legal approval for all of my client's advertising, I couldn't help but notice that, since the 1980s, the Federal Trade Commission was no longer strictly stressing the truthfulness doctrines. Nearly every new commercial was beginning to look and sound like the famous "Saturday Night Live" Bass-O-Matic skit.
I was up at the hardware store a few weeks ago, browsing the aisles - a typical "guy" thing to do. Every once in a while you've got to fix something around the house to prove your intrinsic worth.
I was trying to squelch the guilt trip my partner, the Lady Marjorie, was laying on me for watching more than eight continuous hours of televised automobile racing the previous day.
As I turned down one aisle, I happened across the Garden Claw. Hmmm, I thought, no harm in at least examining it.
For those of you who haven't seen the ad, the Claw consists of six hardened-steel tines, welded at inclined angles to a base plate. From out of the other side of the base plate is welded a 4-foot-long, half-inch-diameter steel tube. At the top of the long tube you attach with a single nut and bolt (the only assembly required) what looks like a set of bicycle handlebars. By twisting the handlebars clockwise, the angled tines dig themselves into the ground you wish to cultivate, thereby effectively preparing the earth for planting, or just loosening and turning it over. Because the handlebars are about 3 feet wide, you're provided the leverage you need to dig the tines into even hard-packed dirt.
The selling feature that persuaded me to give the Garden Claw a try was that during use you remain balanced, with both feet firmly planted on the ground. With my questionable balance, standing on one foot and then trying to push a shovel into the ground with the other foot is indeed a precarious situation.
"Well, what'd you buy this time?" my partner asked as I unloaded the cardboard box containing the Garden Claw. (I could tell she was still a little peeved about the previous day's orgy of internal-combustion-competition spectatorship.)
"I got me the garden tool," I crowed. "With this, I'm going to cultivate all the front flowerbeds, turn over the dirt between the stepping-stones and then weed the rockery."
"I'll believe that when I see it," the Lady Marjorie snorted.
I pulled two box-end wrenches out of my toolbox ("Always use the right tool for the right job," my father always advised) and quickly had my Garden Claw assembled. Taking it outside, I positioned the Claw over the first section of ground, took a firm grip on the handlebars and started twisting.
It worked!
After only a couple of hours and a blister on one finger (hint: wear gloves), I had all the ground I intended to attack cultivated. And, other than the blister, I had expended a lot less energy than I would have thought.
Not to mention the fact that I'm back in my partner's good graces. That's always a desirable place to be.
Next week, NASCAR will be in Charlotte, and the Indy cars will be at the Speedway for the 500.
Life is good.
Gary McDaniel lives in Magnolia. He can be reached at mageditor@nwlink.com
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