On June 5, her photo was on the front page of the New York Times. It showed a grim woman, with faded lipstick, dull earrings, wearing an all beige ensemble.
Her hair was a fright. Martha Stewart, the doyenne of domesticity, emerged from Federal Court looking like an ordinary person.
I had never felt so close to Martha. We had both faced sartorial challenge and come up short. My fashion challenge began at age 13. I would rummage through my closet each weekday morning unable to find a single outfit suitable for the scholastic occasion. The exception was a full, red skirt that I wore for oral reports.
Martha clearly needed my red skirt the day she was arraigned on charges of securities fraud and obstructing justice. But why had she chosen to wear beige of all colors? Perhaps dressing for a party she hadn't planned left her nonplussed. But Martha is so media-savvy; surely, she knew beige was the worst color in which to be photographed.
My musing blossomed into a vivid hallucination.
Martha, clad in a simple chenille bathrobe, stood pensively before her 12-foot-long closet. She was humming a little song from childhood.
"Oh, what will you wear, oh, my dear, oh, my dear. Oh, what will you wear, Jennie Jenkins?"
Black was always chic; she pulled out a slinky black outfit.
"Oh, will you wear black, oh, my dear, oh, my dear. Oh, will you wear black, Jennie Jenkins? No, I won't wear black. It makes me look like a sack...."
Martha carefully replaced the black outfit on the hanger.
Hoping to eradicate the pesky song, Martha began mentally composing an article, tentatively titled
"Dressing for Your Day in Court." It began nostalgically:"As a child, I always loved getting dressed for special occasions. I would stand in front of my mirror for hours, trying on different combinations of skirts and tops, shoes and circle pins, envisioning the perfect event for each type of attire.
"Red is a color I love. It's filled with bright, cheerful energy. But the other children made fun of me and chanted 'Liar, liar pants on fire' whenever I wore those fire-engine-red pedal pushers."
Martha broke off abruptly and consulted her watch. Forget red; maybe the green, silk pantsuit with a delicate, pink, chiffon scarf would be nice. It would harmonize with the cover of her June issue of Martha Stewart Living.
She pulled out the green outfit and was just reaching for the scarf, when she remembered that green was the color of money. Martha just said no to green and veered back to composing her article.
"It's a good idea to keep the occasion in mind, when you choose colors for your court appearance. Red, white and blue are all cheerful colors, patriotic colors and always fashionable.
Although not a wise choice when the U.S. government is planning to indict you."
Martha paused. Perhaps just a simple, blue outfit would do. But blue seemed a bit suggestive. Blue was the color of the ink that was used by her broker when he allegedly altered some notes about their agreement to sell ImClone. No, blue wouldn't do.
"Oh, what will you wear, oh, my dear, oh, my dear. Oh, what will you wear, Jennie Jenkins? Well, I declare.... I'll have to go bare." That was it! She'd go au natural. The closest color to flesh tone was beige. It would be a beige day in court.
I felt a twinge of compassion, mingled with guilt for the snide comments I'd made about Martha. It was likely the same degree of guilt Martha felt as a former stockbroker who indulged in insider trading and then covered it up when she got caught.
Perhaps the real hallucination was that Martha and I had anything in common.
Still Martha and I did meet on common ground - once. Martha appeared at my 50th birthday party. She was the piñata.
Freelance writer Patty Cogen can be reached at E-mail regarding this story may be sent to needitor@nwlink.com.[[In-content Ad]]
