As we age, many of us will experience diminished capacities. As much as we don’t like it, it happens.
My hope is to provide direction and insight for advocates and caretakers. Caring for aging adults can be difficult and the answers are not always easy.
For instance, how do you help your mother when she is no longer able to safely drive her car?
You have noticed a decline in your mother’s abilities, and this may carry over into other aspects of her life, but the key issue is the car. By continuing to drive, your mother is endangering herself and others.
Make your awareness and concern the impetus to keep your mother from harm. Make this a top priority; take the appropriate steps.
Giving up driving is one of the most difficult issues facing aging adults. Stop and think how it would impact your own life if you could no longer drive. So many things would instantly become problematic: going to the grocery store, bank, post office, hairdresser, church, community activities, family events, volunteer work, visiting friends — the list goes on and on.
In America, the car gives us great independence. As we age and our usage declines, the car transitions into a symbol of independence. The psychological impact of giving up the car is hugely traumatic for aging people. This is true even when the car doesn’t move for weeks at a time.
What can you do when you know your mom should not be driving?
Here’s a real-life example of how difficult it can be: I had a client in his 90s who was known to have a cocktail and then drive. Even without a cocktail, this man was unstable on his feet and forgetful. He should not have been driving.
In a series of steps, his family had taken away the keys, disconnected the battery and finally resorted to taking his car. Believe it or not, none of these measures worked. At each step, he outsmarted them.
He got a replacement key, called AAA for new battery and, when the car was finally taken away, he went out and bought a new car. Obviously, he was strong-headed and also wealthy. The kids were at wits’ end.
It was left to me to come up with an idea. I worked with the local police. When he left home to drink and drive, we called the police and told them which direction he was going. It took two tries, but whatever the police officer told him worked, and he gave up driving.
After he agreed to give up his car, we made arrangements for a personal driver. Occasionally, he took a taxi.
Thankfully, the badge and uniform got the attention of this most determined gentleman.
On a personal note, I’ve had “the talk” with my own mother. I asked her how she rated her reflexes and then asked her to share with me how her driving had changed over the years. She admitted, “I’m not as good as I used to be.” I asked her how she would feel if, with her diminished driving skills, she injured or killed a child — that sunk in.
Mom decided to give up night driving and now only drives midday, when there are fewer people on the road and then for only short distances. She sticks to fixed, familiar routes to the bank and grocery.
If your mother has the collision-repair shop on speed dial, it’s time to take action. You may be able to reason with her. Discuss the total cost of owning the car — insurance, license and upkeep — vs. her current usage.
Suggest a taxi as a comparative-cost substitute or the Access bus. Maybe you and the neighbors can volunteer to pick up her groceries or set up home delivery. Offer transportation for such things as family functions and the hairdresser. Regularly take her to lunch.
You could enlist help from your mother’s doctor. A written or oral suggestion may convince her that it is time to hang up the keys.
If to no avail, then preemptive action may be required. It may seem extreme or underhanded, but when the safety of your mother and others is at stake, disabling the car is not unreasonable.
In the interest of public safety, the Department of Licensing website, www.dol.wa.gov/forms/520005.html, details a process for identifying and recommending an unsafe driver for reexamination. When filling out this form, include specific information about medical conditions, vision issues and driving abilities. Rather than face a driving test, an aging adult will often choose to surrender their license.
Accompany your mom to the driving test, and speak with the examiner. Share your concerns. That will help the examiner make the appropriate decision. If the examiner determines the driver is a threat to public safety, he or she can revoke driving privileges.
MARLA BECK is the founder and president of Andelcare Inc., which provides in-home eldercare. Submit questions to marla@andelcare.com.
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