With all the condominium and apartment buildings rising up in Seattle’s neighborhoods, the conventional neighborhood is shrinking daily. What once could be covered up by a few trees or a fence now requires more creative means of protecting oneself from loud or obnoxious neighbors.
But a closer community of neighbors may also come with perks. It’s more difficult to avoid neighbors when they use the same hallways and elevators every day, and cultivating good relationships with these people can be highly beneficial when, say, a last-minute pet-sitter is needed.
“You're sharing a wall [when you live in a condo or apartment], so you’re packed in much tighter than [if you were] living next door to someone. You’re likely going to know when they wake up, when they go to bed, when a couple is fighting and when they're not,” said Matt Goyer, who blogs at Urbnlivn.com, a website about urban condo living. “It really all depends on how well your building is constructed. If you live in a high-rise downtown, you likely won’t hear from your neighbors [because of concrete-steel construction]. However, if you live in a smaller condo or apartment outside of the downtown core [where wood-frame construction is used], you very likely will hear your neighbor.”
Sharing walls with neighbors takes a bit of compassion and an expectation that sometimes you’re just going to hear your neighbors, said Chris Horan, who lives in Northgate.
“I’ve never had any problems with my neighbors, but I don’t really talk to my neighbors,” Horan said. “My walls are really thin, though, so I can occasionally hear my neighbors going at it…. It doesn’t really bother me though.”
Dispute resolution
With neighbors getting closer, disputes seem to be inevitable. How should disputes be settled within the apartment or condo complex? Most people agree that while approaching the landlord may seem the best way to go in terms of avoiding conflict, it may not be the best approach for the good, neighborly relationship. The same can be said about calling the police or a lawyer.
“There are some great laws about dogs and trees, but sometimes using the law for neighbors just makes you too polarized,” said Patti Dudley, executive director of the Dispute Resolution Center of King County. “The laws may not get at the heart of the problem. They may determine who’s right and who’s wrong, but that won’t lead to the best neighbor relationship.”
“The first thing I'd do is talk to your neighbor about the problem,” Goyer said. “When we had an issue with our upstairs neighbor’s alarm clock waking us up because he'd sleep through it, we e-mailed him about it, and he took care of it right away.
“If taking to your neighbor doesn't help, then I'd talk to the condo management company or the condo homeowner’s association. Your building’s bylaws likely address how to handle the situation, and they can approach your neighbor if you're not comfortable, or if you tried and it didn't resolve the issue,” he added. “Worst case: Call the police. [There’s] no sense staying up all night if your neighbor is being disrespectful and having a raging party!”
According to Dudley, the best way to handle a problem before it becomes a dispute is to put yourself in the other person’s perspective before approaching them, and to make sure you are calm and respectful.
“Sometimes it’s helpful to approach people with curiosity and openness, which is hard when you’re angry,” Dudley said. “Take your time; don’t just react. Try and understand the other person’s viewpoint. Once we understand how other people view things, we feel better about that relationship.”
Trying to come up with a compromise will likely make both neighbors feel better about the problem and resolution.
“If people feel like they’re a part of the solution, they’re most likely to uphold their agreements,” Dudley said, adding that the ultimate goal should be to live in harmony with neighbors.
“We see a lot of neighbors who finally make their way to the Dispute Resolution Center after 10 years of not talking to each other, and that’s not a good way to live,” Dudley said. “Being right isn’t always the goal; getting along is the goal.”
Preventative neighboring
The best way to avoid disputes with neighbors is to cultivate positive relationships before problems arise. Some people like to have friendlier relationships with neighbors, while others just appreciate a smile of acknowledgement in the elevator.
“I like my neighbors to be quiet, respectful and friendly, but not overly friendly. I am not the kind of person who wants to befriend my neighbor — just a quick ‘Hi’ and ‘How are you?’ is fine with me,” said Carrie Hsia, who lives in Lake City. “I try to keep it friendly or neutral so they won’t have a problem with me. I don’t want them doing something like being loud because I am not nice to them.”
Others take a different approach to winning neighbors over.
“We made cookies for all the units in our building when we first moved in,” said Janae Spader, who lives in Wallingford. “We invite all the neighbors to our parties so they’ll be less upset if we get loud.”
It’s also important, Spader said, to make sure neighbors know they can come over and tell you to be quiet if they need to.
Common disputes that arise between neighbors include noise at night, animals and parking, Dudley said. These are issues that can be addressed cordially between neighbors that already have friendly relationships.
But sometimes you do need to approach a landlord or housing association.
“When I have a problem with a neighbor, I usually tell the manager of the building. That way, the neighbor doesn’t suspect that I have any problems with them,” Hsia said.
Sometimes, problems can arise with neighboring businesses. Goyer said businesses should be treated like other neighbors.
“You might also have issues with the commercial tenants below you. Bars might be too loud, or smoke might drift up into your windows. Restaurants might smell. The dogs at the dog wash below you will definitely be barking, and you might not enjoy waking up at 6 a.m. to the smell of savory pies being baked,” Goyer said. “Treat a commercial tenant like you would any other neighbor: Try talking to them first, and if that doesn't work, escalate to your board and homeowner’s association.”
Most people agree that fostering good relationships with neighbors in complexes involves having consideration for those around you and thinking of what you value in a good neighbor and then exemplifying those qualities.
“Being a good neighbor means treating your neighbors like you'd like them to treat you,” Goyer said. “Be considerate about how loud your TV or music is. Don't stomp around with your shoes on. If you own a baby-grand piano, ask your neighbor when good hours to play are — my neighbor used to have one in a 650-square-foot condo! If you’re drunk, don't sneak up to the roof and crawl around…and don't vacuum in the middle of the night or super early in the morning. The walls, floors and ceilings are likely thinner than you think!”
For more information about resolving disputes between neighbors, contact the Dispute Resolution Center of King County, which regularly mediates disputes of all types. There are resources on the center’s website (www.kcdrc.org) about ways to resolve disputes, and how to contact a mediator.
For more information about condo living, visit Urbnlivn.com. The site includes tips for living in urban condos and apartments, including soundproofing your space.