I feel as though I’m just waking up from a dream. A 25-year-long dream.
Working in a small, female-dominated office for almost half my life has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. Things one would hope for from a workplace – professionalism, cooperation, support – were present every day. On September 11, 2001, after watching news coverage of the towers collapsing, I stumbled in to work. My co-workers, knowing I am from New York City, surrounded me with hugs and questions, asking if my family and friends were okay. This was more than just a workplace. These were women who cared about each other both in and out of the office.
Until recently. A rash of attitude, anger, suspicion, accusations and, much to my shock and dismay, actions have forever changed the landscape of this once utopic work environment.
When my daughters began school and experienced betrayal and teasing from supposed best friends, it was difficult to comfort them because it was as baffling to me as it was confusing to them.
We’ve all done it - been on both sides of the bullying fence. But, with guidance and experience one would hope to put that behind and work towards a better way of being in the world. One that involves communication, honesty and compromise. Playground bullying should be left behind – in grade school.
But it clearly is not. Articles are on the rise about workplace bullying, in particular woman on woman bullying. What is going on?
Mickey Meece, in a May 2009 "New York Times" article titled, "Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work," cites an example of a private accountant in California who describes being ostracized by two women in her firm, one of whom actually pushed her in the cafeteria. “It’s as if we’re back in high school,” the accountant said.
Gary Namie, 2007 research director of the Workplace Bullying Institute (yes, there is actually such a place) suggested in a study that women bully women instead of men because they innately know that women are less confrontational and less likely to respond with aggression. At the time of the study, The Institute indicated that most employers ignore the problem because of bottom line issues and because of the unlikeliness of litigation. There is no law to cite regarding this type of bullying and costs are prohibitive for the victim.
And so, the bullies get away with their behavior.
In "The Mists of Avalon," a novel by Marion Zimmer Bradley, the Arthurian legend is told from the female perspective. A priestess living in King Arthur’s castle is asked to conspire against another woman in the court. Her response, having lived during a fast-fading matriarchal time, was that she could never plot or scheme against another woman. That idea gave me pause. So much so that I read the book twice.
Canadian researcher, Grace Lau, Ph.D suggests that one way to encourage women to help and support one another is to “…remind women that they are members of the same group.” She added that a sense of pride in women’s accomplishments could act as a catalyst.
“To have this sense of pride, women need to be aware of their shared identity as women,” said Lau.
Women are fierce competitors. The very thing that causes women to protect children, friends, home and hearth comes out in the workplace when they feel threatened or want to improve their status. Women attack other women, rather than men, suggests Meece, because it’s easier to fight women. Men are intimidating and they fight differently. We have not yet achieved bullying equality so we stick with what we know.
How sad. Like rats in a cage, we start eating each other alive in order to survive. How, I ask, does that really get us ahead? Does a person feel triumphant after seeing a co-worker fall as a result of their own actions? Does the company feel stronger, safer by minimizing a complaint of such behavior?
My daughter’s childhood friend who treated her badly in grade school recently apologized to her. They are now in their 20’s. During a chance meeting on the street the friend said “I’m so sorry for the mean things I did to you back then.” It was an amazing moment. A revelation for my daughter, albeit too late to keep her from suffering for many years.
Grade school and middle school PTA parents consult experts to teach parents how to prevent their children from being victims of or, worse, perpetrators of bullying. I’d like to propose that we take it one step further.
My sister once suggested to my daughters that instead of being critical of another girl, they should try to understand her and offer kindness, support and non-judgmental attitude toward her. To focus on the good in her. I would like to suggest that we teach our daughters that from the start. And, perhaps, in so doing, we will teach ourselves.
In her article, "Female On Female Bullying In The Workplace Is On The Rise," which appeared in "The Grindstone," an online publication dealing with women’s workplace issues, Amanda Chatel says, “We owe it to ourselves to kick female on female bullying to the curb and to stand up for sisterhood in all its forms. You would not be where you are today if another woman didn’t pave the way for you.”
My generation saw Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan pave the way to the women’s movement. My grandmothers were of the suffragette generation. We have fought long and hard to get to where we are as women. We should not be tearing each other down, but building each other up and continuing our climb.
Here’s to the women: the mothers, the sisters, the aunts, the daughters. Here’s to the gender that bears the fruit of the next generation. Here’s to supporting and nurturing and being strong and good. Here’s to linking arms, walking forward, helping one another. Competing, yes, but in a way that’s healthy and positive.
Irene Hopkins lived on Queen Anne for 20 years. She writes essays on mid-life, women’s issues, parenting and whatever currently has her attention.
[[In-content Ad]]