Every year much is written about the many ways holidays can backfire on us. The season of peace, serenity and perfection so easily turns into a season of stress, disappointment and aggravation.
There are countless pressures: to do everything, to see everyone, to prepare the best meal and, of course, to buy the best present. Let us consider this last one: the particular potential pitfall of gift-giving.
A test of love
In some relationships the present becomes something much more than a simple token of affection: It becomes a test of love. There is a kind of gift recipient in whose mind and heart the quality of the giver's love is measured by the relative perfection of the gift.
I recently viewed a "Seinfeld" episode in which, for her birthday, Jerry gives Elaine $182 in cash (plus a lame card); she is furious.
Then Kramer walks in and gives her the gift of her dreams, along with a beautiful Keats poem that he has copied by hand. She is elated and showers Kramer with gratitude while throwing murderous glances at Jerry, who has so mis-gifted her!
Now, who loves Elaine more?
Everyone who has watched the show knows that Jerry and Elaine have a vibrant, genuine connection. They "get" each other, can agree and disagree and can count on each other. They are great friends and truly love one another. Sadly, however, Jerry is clueless about gifts.
Same intentions
People who are able to buy the perfect gift are wonderful observers. They are the kind who make mental notes when they hear someone talk about something he or she enjoys or desires, and they refer to these mental notes when the time comes to buy a present.
When someone like this gives you a gift, it is usually perfect and it really feels good. A "perfect" present is one that lets you know that the other person knows you, has listened to you and clearly thought of you as he or she was contemplating what to choose. This experience of being so well-known and remembered is the best part of a "perfect" gift.
Unfortunately, not everyone is a perfect gift-giver. But those who give an imperfect present should not be accused of feeling imperfect love. There are many people who are poor observers and just aren't very good at imagining what someone else might like.
Some just cannot entertain the idea that everyone does not enjoy the same things they do. This type of giver wants to share his pleasure by giving his recipient exactly what would most please the giver himself.
Yet, the intention of making the other happy is the same behind such a gift as it is behind the "perfect" gift. Jerry's gift was poorly chosen, but no one can say that he loves Elaine less than Kramer does.
Learning about one another
When the gift is not perfect we have several choices depending on the relationship we share with the gift-giver .
In a not-too-close relationship we can simply remind ourselves that the simple act of choosing a present and wrapping it requires love and caring, and let that be enough.
When the giver is someone much closer, we have the option of actually talking about the gift and why it does not fit who we are. People in close relationships, particularly intimate partners, have the responsibility to educate each other about each other. A not-so-perfect gift can be the beginning of some important conversations. This kind of conversation, of course, comes after thanks for the gift have been extended, and always with respect, and with the intent to educate - not to mock, hurt or criticize.
Dr. Anna K. Meyer is a counselor and psychotherapist who practices in the Green Lake area. She can be reached at needitor@nwlink.com.
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