This year, I'm going as a self righteous killjoy. Where am I going? Not trick-or-treating, that's for sure. And while many might consider my approach to this fictitious holiday to be grumpy or over-the-top analytical or even un-American, I can tell you that I'm no party-pooper. I am in fact - on Halloween night - hosting a spooky little light-on-the-candy soiree for 10 of our closest friends and their preschoolers. I'm even making cupcakes and carnival games for the kids and appetizers and creepy cocktails for the grown ups.
And despite the downside of having to clean house, make food and buy booze, I would sooner run for city council than schlep my little darlings through the 'hood begging strangers for candy. Wicked, I know, but I just can't bring myself to do it, not after telling them all year to not even talk to strangers let alone walk up to the door of someone they've never met and nag them for treats.
I know there are plenty of alternatives to the naïve (lunatic? unbelievably stupid?) old school ritual of romping down random dark streets in an effort to extort up to 10-pounds of high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden loot from generous (afraid-to-get-pranked?) residents, like only hitting up participating neighborhood businesses a la downtown Columbia City or something of that nature. But that doesn't sit well with me either since it just makes me feel like a lamb to slaughter in a brilliant Chamber of Commerce marketing scheme, which would be fine any other time, but during the so-called "holidays" it just doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
And at the risk of really hitting the mark with the self righteous side of my costume, well, call me crazy, but I do think that if we're going to pitch it as a holiday there should be some sort of meaning and depth associated other than just extending the promotional window for retailers and creating increased holiday sales opportunities.
Yeah, if you think that I'm disgracing a well-loved national phenomenon with a little thought and introspection, you might be interested to know that the national Retail Federation predicts that Halloween sales this year will be 10 percent higher than last year, with total spending topping $5 billion on costumes, candy, decorations and greeting cards. Who's cheapening the holiday now?
Besides, my unpacking of this absurd annual ritual is my daughter's fault. Remember what everyone's favorite mommy, Christie Mellor of "The Three-Martini Playdate: A Practical Guide to Happy Parenting" said about too-smart children? We all want them, but geeze can they be troublesome; always wanting things to be fair and make sense and all that nonsense... Well, those incessant questions that my preschooler asks in her obsessive attempt to make sense of the world (Halloween), and perhaps more importantly, her annoying unwillingness to be blown off, EVER, have really got me thinking.
What's the point? Why does the average American spend $65 each year on worthless Halloween paraphernalia like character costumes and cheap decorations that won't last until next year? Do we each really eat an average of 26 pounds of candy annually? (Ask the National Confectioners Association about that one.) With obesity being the fastest-growing and completely preventable cause of disease and death in America and nearly one in four children struggling with excess weight, why are more than 90 percent of parents unable to resist this insane temptation for ritual begging?
And what about those poor principals that endure harassment and condemnation from students and the community at-large for having the courage to ban the whole mess from school? I mean, God forbid we should all expect our kids and the school system charged with educating them to actually focus on academics for a spell. One middle-school administrator said that the costumes students wear tend to create a "beauty contest gone wrong" atmosphere that's quite a distraction to the learning and studying that might otherwise be going on there.
Me? I'm with our hood's New School where they celebrate a low-key harvest theme that actually has some natural and cultural significance other than just trying to deter kids from vandalizing the homes of neighbors who don't distribute the most impressive bubble gum and miniature chocolate bars.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no grinch, I just think that if we're going to go to all the trouble, there might as well be some relevance involved. So I'm going to compromise, of course my 4-year-old is getting to be the fairy princess that she's been planning since last year, and we'll carve pumpkins and bob for apples, but we won't be threatening our neighbors with monkey business lest they pay up with treats, and someday you can bet I'll make sure she knows that it's all her fault.
