On April 11, I went to a friend's house to admire her new deck and landscaping projects. It was a clear and sunny day and I had a few new things of my own to show off - a new pair of glasses and a sporty new coat. I remember one thing distinctly: I was feeling good, really good.
My friend greeted me in her signature over-the-top, happy-as-heck-to-see-you special way. We toured the grounds of her west-of-Market masterpiece and I marveled at the incredible design of her piece of the earth: wandering rock paths, sweeping old-growth trees, exotic garden statues and luscious shrubs. She had done wonders with the landscape.
We made some small talk and then made our way back to my car to say our goodbyes. That's when it happened. Just as I was ducking into the driver's seat, she remembered something she'd been meaning to tell me.
With a big grin and a lilting cadence she said, "At the risk of upsetting you ... (note to self: the next time someone opens a sentence with this, run!) ... I wanted to let you know what I've been doing about my weight."
Why would that upset me? Because this is her way of telling me that she thinks I'm fat! Her underhanded way of sneaking in a little tip to help me deal what she considers to be my weight problem.
To this, I uttered "what weight?," the only defense mechanism I could muster on such short notice. What could she possibly be talking about and WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF HERS ANYWAY?
I could barely look at this woman who just daggered my innards and continued to stand there shaking her head at me as if to say, "It's not what you think ... I meant to say you were fat in a nice way."
As soon as I was around the corner I called a friend with whom I often commiserate on body issues and bawled uncontrollably. I could barely see the road.
Didn't this woman know she was hurting me? How could she not know? My friend agreed; this woman is evil. How dare she talk to me like that! I cried the whole way home. Not just because this "friend" of mine had hit a touchy nerve, but because I felt alone and unloved and imperfect. All the things I'd already been feeling about myself had just been said out loud and my suspicions had been confirmed: that I'm not OK.
There's more to me
I will be the first to admit that I have put on a few pounds in the last four years of marriage, but no more than 15 or so and, in my opinion, not too bad for the pre-30 metabolic slump (I'll hit the big 3-0 in a couple months).
But what I want to know is why someone else, someone claiming to be my friend, is monitoring my weight and the changes that are happening to my body. Doesn't she know there's more to me than that? She's known me for eight years and while I may not be as little as I was when I was 21, I'm also not as spastic and out of control as I was back then. Did she notice the achievements I've made and other things I've done? That I'm an accomplished woman who's survived the loss of a parent to cancer, made great strides in my education, started multiple businesses, volunteered for many worthy charities, run two triathlons and so on and so on?
In the months since that ugly day, I have thought a lot about body issues. I've thought about how I have tortured my soul and flooded my husband with a barrage of negative self-talk and "body slamming."
I realize that I have been obsessed with rolls and puckers and sizes and numbers. It wasn't until someone else poured out her unsolicited advice that I got offended - when someone else brought all my fears about weight to light and I could hear it out loud for the first time. I felt how much it hurt to have my body criticized and how I had been hurting myself so much for so long.
Change of attitude
I don't talk to myself that way anymore, and I have decided that nobody else has the right to either. My body is a vessel to carry me through this life and it's the only one I've got. In the chaos of low-carb, low-fat, sugar-free, pro-biotic, gluten-free menu choices I strive to fill my vessel with wholesome food, organic cheeses and good wine.
I exercise if I'm so inclined, but mostly I try to get to the dog park as often as possible and just enjoy nature for what it is. When my conscience tells me it's time to change what I put into and do with my body, then I listen to it and act accordingly.
I know that there are real weight problems in our country that pose serious risks to the lives of friends and loved ones. I believe that if a person's body is posing a risk to their life and livelihood, then it is OK to gently and lovingly support that person in a healthy weight-loss plan.
But it is not OK to dump our fears about weight onto someone else, especially when they least expect it. I know that a little cellulite never hurt anybody and when I look at my soft belly I remember all the good food, good drinks and good times that I've had with the people I love. Most of all, I remember my dad, who would have given anything for just one more day and one more grilled cheese sandwich with extra bacon.
Kirkland resident Janya Veranth is president of Eastside Entrepreneurs, www.bninw.com.[[In-content Ad]]
