It's a first date. We've met at a couple of parties. She is brazen and funny and self-aware and extremely attractive.
I'll call her Loretta (although that isn't her real name). She is coming over for dinner, and I have all afternoon to stress over it and clean.
Finally, she arrives: She is just as cute as I remember, conversation is witty and good, dinner comes out great. We cuddle in front of the fire and then retire to my room. We make out a little.
My years of health education kick in, and I casually ask if she has any STDs.
"Oh, he he, um, actually I was going to tell you, but I have herpes."
I freeze.
An STD.
No idea what to do.
I know you're supposed to ask, but that's not the right answer.
She tells me to think about it for a minute, that she'll wait, that she totally understands if I don't want to risk it.
I go outside to smoke and think about it.
Finally, I tell her I think she's really cool, but that I won't sleep with her. She winces as if I had slapped her and asks if I want her to leave.
Not an auspicious beginning.
Educating oneself
But with the potential of being with this amazing woman, I set out to educate myself. It turns out, herpes is the best-kept secret ever.
First of all, there are two kinds. Simplex I is oral and is the virus that causes cold sores around the mouth. Simplex II is genital and the one I was so freaked out about.
While you can get Simplex I in your privates or II in your mouth, they usually don't reoccur there.
One out of every four women has Simplex II; one out of every five men has it. Eighty percent of the population has Simplex I. And most of the people who have herpes, don't know they have it.
It gets better.
Condoms? Not really effective against it. Herpes is not spread by genital fluids but rather by skin-to-skin contact.
And since the virus can manifest sores all over the pubic region, thighs and lower belly, and the transmission of the virus can take place when invisible cells shed, even if the person has no sore, you could get it without ever taking your underwear off.
There is no cure for the virus, which you carry for the rest of your life. Outbreaks, however, can appear all the time, once a year or never.
If you've made the decision to refrain from abstinence, you are most likely going to expose yourself to the risk one way or the other.
When the person knows he/she has it and is responsible about communicating, you are safer than if you are sleeping with some lovely carrier who never even thought to wonder about that infected hair follicle.
After talking to the folks down at Harborview and my doctor and reading about it on-line, I called up Loretta and asked her for another date.
Herpes is ubiquitous. What's more, you really can't protect yourself against it for sure.
Sharing information
As I have broadened my horizons, I've discussed herpes with many people.
It seems strange that for something so omnipresent and pervasive, people who know they have herpes still often feel ashamed and reviled because of it.
At this point, it doesn't phase me. I've been to herpes parties, vicariously experienced H+ dating sites and grown used to people who are open and accepting of the condition.
I had one friend tell me that having herpes has improved his sex life because the people who sleep with him after having "the talk" are mostly interested in him for the right reasons.
Herpes sucks, but so do hemorrhoids. And you might get either with equal degrees of promiscuity.
Unlike hemorrhoids however, which you could safely never tell anyone about, you have to tell people you have herpes, and you have to tell the ones you least want to tell, when you least want to tell them.
I say, kudos to those who have the courage and integrity to give their potential lovers the opportunity to take an informed risk. If you're going to be sexually active, I strongly recommend educating yourself before you find yourself in that situation.
Talk to your doctor, go on-line or check in with your friends. The resources are out there - we just need to ditch the shame and start talking about it.
Joshua Rosenstein, a North Seattle resident, can be reached at needitor@ nwlink.com.
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