One of the best things about Sally Bjornsen's new book, "The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex-Wife," is the humor and candor that Bjornsen brings to a touchy topic - becoming a stepmother. Her book reads like a chat over coffee with one of your wisest and dearest friends.
"From the moment I got married," begins Bjornsen from her office on top of Queen Anne, "I thought gosh, there needs to be a better book out about this stuff, because this is hard."
For Bjornsen, a Queen Anne resident for 13 years, the hard stuff translated to entering into the role of stepmotherhood before she had ever mothered. While most couples have at least nine months to ponder parenthood and think about the changes on the way, stepmothers often enter into family-ville and parenting roles overnight.
"I went from not even thinking about being a parent to being a parent every other week," explains Bjornsen. "You are helping to raise children, and I had absolutely no experience."
The book, meant to be a friend to the woman experiencing the ups and downs of stepmothering, features chapters with headings like "Embrace Your Identity Crisis," "Bonding with a Kid Who's Bound to Break Your Heart," "The Ex-Wife - Till Death Do You Part" and "Going Bio." Bjornsen uses humorous and poignant exam-ples from her own experience and personal interviews to move her readers through the phases of stepmothering.
"I don't think people really understand the kind of support stepmothers need," explains Bjornsen, now the biological mommy of her own 3-year-old son. "When I was pregnant, I got so much parenting advice - stepmothers don't have that same experience."
The U.S. Bureau of Census reports that more than 50 percent of American couples are remarried or re-coupled, and 1,300 new stepfamilies are forming each day. More and more single women with no children of their own are becoming stepmothers instantaneously. When Bjornsen embarked on the stepmother journey more than eight years ago, there weren't many resources available for the support that she needed. Even today, according to Bjornsen, there are more than 2,000 books on motherhood, 19 on step- parenting, around 10 on stepmother-ing and zero on how to go from being single to married with kids.
"When I became a stepmother, the advice that I got was, 'Good luck, sister' or 'You're a better person than I am,'" she remembers. "Most of the books I found were written by parents, counselors, and nothing was inspiring and told me, 'You know, this could be fun.' I needed encouragement."
Bjornsen never found the book that she needed, so she wrote it herself.
"The Single Girl's Guide..." takes the stigma out of stepfamilies and offers an upbeat and honest look at what women can expect to deal with as stepmothers and how to handle it gracefully. "That is what this book is really for," stresses Bjornsen, a woman you would want to go to for advice, stepmother or not. "Stepmothers feel guilty. Everything that is really ugly about a person probably doesn't show up for eight years of marriage, but it all surfaces in the first year for a stepmother. The situation pushes all your buttons."
The situation is becoming increasingly common. According to Larry L. Bumpass, professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin, 50 percent of all women, not just mothers, are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship, when living-together families is included in the stepfamily definition.
Bjornsen offers inspiring stories and humorous examples to help the new stepmother not feel alone. In her last chapter, "Long Live the Stepmother," she fantasizes about stepmothers becoming the hot new trend - single girls lining up to raise someone's first family. She expresses how proud she is to be a stepmother: "Every day I feel blessed that the big stepmother in the sky saw something in me that she thought would translate well for the job."
She replaces the "wart-nosed and evil" stepmother stereotype with a woman who is imperfect but kind and, above all, respectful of the role that she plays in the lives of her stepchildren.
"What I have learned the hard way," recounts Bjornsen, "the reason that our family situation goes so well now, is that I have grown up, and the kids really are the priority."
Bjornsen reminds readers to never lose their sense of humor, get help if you need it, cut yourself some slack and remember that time is your most valuable ally - things like trust and bonding do not happen overnight.
"I always wanted a lot of family in my life," says Bjornsen, commenting on the benefits of entering into a stepfamily. "Stepmothering has worked out to be really rewarding - and you get so much more than one man; if you do it right, you get this great family."
There will be a book reading and signing on May 7 - the day before Mother's Day - from 1 to 3 p.m. at Queen Anne Books, 1811 Queen Anne Ave. N.[[In-content Ad]]
