By Mike Dillon
“Bodily decrepitude is wisdom; young
We loved each other and were ignorant.”
— William Butler Yeats
If bodily decrepitude brings wisdom, it also acts against a satisfying sex life for seniors. That’s one of the reasons seniors should strive to stay fit in body and mind, experts say.
“As we age, we’re not as spry,” observed Dr. Roger Libby, Ph.D., cognitive behavioral therapist with practices in Leschi and Poulsbo. “Desire goes down over the years.”
The Internet is chock-full of advice for seniors on how to maintain an active sex life and why. Many of those reasons — improving mental and physical health, increased lifespan, solidifying relationships and providing a refuge from a sometimes-difficult world — are often delivered in the form of lists, medical procedures and cheerleading nostrums. For some, these sites might spur one to wonder, as Peggy Lee once sang it, “Is that all there is?”
A part of overall health
In the history of desire, the poet Dante is the exemplar. Dante’s unrequited love for Beatrice, the woman who died young, triggered the “Divine Comedy,” whose last line culminates in the beatific vision, perhaps a metaphor for the sex act itself: “By the love which moves the sun and the other stars.”
For all the modern talk of sex as mere plumbing, Dante knew other values come into play, as do sex therapists.
Healthy, older couples “must respect and value each other,” Libby said. “They don’t make marriage all of their life, only part of it. Friends are important so they’re not off in a corner together. Sexuality is a reflection of the state of their relationship.
“Sexual health is part of our overall health,” Libby continued. “Boomers are going to demand [sexual health], that it be addressed.”
Even so, baby boomers may be surprised that their parents might have the same expectations.
“For people in their 80s, there’s no reason not to remain sexually active,” Libby said.
Somewhat shockingly, recent studies indicate the boomer generation is less healthy than previous generations.
“We don’t live in a healthy society,” Libby observed, citing increasing occurrences of diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity. “We don’t take care of our overall health.”
Performance anxiety, Libby said, can be a wet blanket: “People should not try to compare themselves to when they were young. Other intimate behaviors can happen. We live in a touch-negative society.”
Another crucial point with Libby: “We live in an overmedicated society that blocks out desire. I think, when people get medication, they should question their doctor about sexual side effects. You have to have your physician explain things.”
‘Harmonious passion’
Dr. Diana Wiley is a sex therapist, marriage and family therapist and gerontologist headquartered in Belltown. Wiley, who hosts the Internet radio show “Love, Lust and Laughter,” spoke at the 1996 White House Conference on Aging about love and sexuality.
“Numerous studies indicate an intimate relationship is the single-most important source of life satisfaction,” she said. “Thriving couples accentuate the positive in life,” citing “gratitude for each other” as the basis for a satisfying sexual relationship.
“Showing appreciation is really, really important,” Wiley noted. “What do you value in your partner? Many relationships die from emotional undernourishment.”
Wiley cites an old dictum on the topic: “In general, men need sex to get closer; she may need closeness to want sex.”
Wiley speaks of “harmonious passion,” how people might be more willing to risk being open and vulnerable as they age when it comes to sex, which, for some couples, opens the door to greater rewards. The self-acceptance that often comes with age can help: “You have to be in the moment,” she said.
Wiley raises another basic point about aging relationships: “Men are born of women,” she noted. “They spend their lives searching for acceptance and appreciation by women,” a quest that detours some men through the kind of dark wood where Dante lost his way.
In her practice, Wiley said she promotes physical intimacy and “positive touch”; the touching is sensual rather than sexual — for the first week, anyway.
“Our bodies are a garden of erotic delight — we have 45 miles of nerves — but too often, we get stuck between the legs,” she said.
Nearer journey’s end, self-acceptance, honesty, respect — attributes one works toward all through life — often come to full fruition; they can bring a new dimension to an aging couple’s sex life, Wiley said.
For senior couples who achieve that state, Wiley cited Mae West’s advice: “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
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