I have found the real axis of evil. It's actually a trifecta of terror: Kraft, Frito-Lay and that ultimate evil, General Mills, makers of Häagen-Daas.
However, today I want to warn you about just one of these denizens of doom and extra poundage. It's Kraft.
At some point, and I'm not quite sure how this happened, I passed from my teens into what is termed middle age. It happened rather quickly and without my consent. When you cross over like this, they say that your metabolism slows down to the speed of a slug. This means that where you were once able to consume an entire bag of Cheetos without seeing a rise in the scale or a tightness in your formerly loose clothing, you will now notice orange goo oozing out from your pores, and buttons will begin to pop off your shirts.
Therefore, I've been trying to reverse time by going back to the gym. I'll let you know how that goes.
So on Monday I went to the pool at the gym, and then afterwards I soaked my tired, middle-aged body in the Jacuzzi. I was tempted to spend the rest of the day there, but realized they'd kick me out at some point, so I hit the showers. After the whole shampoo/rinse/repeat cycle, I decided to go grocery shopping.
This is where I encountered Satan in the dairy case.
Do not be fooled. Evil can and does come in cute packaging, with mouthwatering pictures advertising its wares.
Did you know that Kraft now sells a tub of cheesecake filling? Ready to eat. In a tub. To just, you know, stick your spoon in to scoop some out. Then you might as well just spread it all over your belly and thighs, because we all know that's where it's going anyway. I find it infinitely more satisfying to pass it over my taste buds and then it can slide on down to whatever body part it wants to hit.
When I reached the checkout counter, the cashier picked up the tub of ready-to-eat cheesecake filling in order to scan it. (Yes, I bought some. I'm only human.) She looked at it, held it up high to get a better look at it and then was overcome with emotion.
"Hey!" she yelled to the cashier to her right. "Look at this!"
She did the same thing with the cashier to her left. Soon there was oohing and aahing galore going on as they discussed how delicious this must be and where was it at and how much was it and why didn't they know it was back there in the first place and guess what we're having for lunch today.
The number of customers behind me was growing by leaps and bounds as they continued to expound on the gastronomical delights of an entire tub of ready-to-eat cheesecake filling right there in their store. At one point I was sure they were going to lift the lid on my tub of lard, er I mean cheesecake filling, and put that claim of "ready to eat" to the test right there.
Unfortunately for me and my waning metabolism, the cashier relinquished her hold on my tub and scanned it, acknowledging her fixation on all things cheesecake and apologizing for holding up the line.
"It's all right," I said to her. "I can't wait to try it myself."
You might be surprised to know that the tub of gooey evil made it all the way to my house without being opened. Yes, you may now applaud my self-control.
Of course, I didn't have a spoon with me.
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