Thirteen years ago, Jokhanah Ennes lost her son in a short but devastating battle with leukemia. Losing a loved one is never easy. But for those who have lost children, the pain is immeasurably deep. Today, Ennes has found strength as the co-chairperson of the Seattle City Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She will also lead a new support group that meets on the third Thursday of every month in Leschi.
DIVERSIFYING THE GROUP
The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is a national nonprofit organization that offers support for those who have lost children or siblings and offers information that both educates and helps people become more supportive.
The Seattle City Chapter meetings are at 7:30 p.m. on the first Thursday of every month at the Olympic View Community Church, 425 N.E. 95th St.
The decision to start a second group was partly an attempt to diversify the group. Ennes hopes that the Leschi location will attract people from various backgrounds, adding that people should feel comfortable regardless of their differences.
More importantly, she hopes the new location will raise awareness of the group's existence.
A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOSS
Ennes explained that losing a child is not the same as losing a parent, and not enough groups cater to this kind of loss.
According to a 2006 survey conducted by the TCF, 89 of the 400 people surveyed indicated they had used a support group of some kind. While this may suggest that people do not commonly turn to support groups, it may also suggest that peo-ple are unaware of their existence.
With more than one location, Seattleites bearing the same grief might finally realize that there are others out there who understand what they are going through.
Ennes sought out the TCF two months after her son's death and began facilitating sessions five years ago. She also changed her name from Joan to Jokhanah.
"I don't feel like the same person," she said, noting that name changes are not uncommon. "People say, 'Oh, I want the old 'you' back.' But you don't get the old 'you' back. You're very, very different."
Her inspiration to start and lead a new group of her own was the strong desire she possessed to help others through the painful road she has been down.
"When a child dies, the parents', brother's, sister's worlds are turned upside down," she said. "Once a month [in meetings] it's nice not to have to pretend that everything's OK. You might be crying all the time, or you might be like a robot. People do not know how to handle grief, and if you have to deal with it on your own, you can become bitter."
It is for this reason that Ennes recommends bereavement groups.
"We don't live in a society that gives you a whole lot of time for grieving," she said. "If people can give you enough compassion, you might not be so bitter."
Ennes' new session offers a peer group of people with a common loss. This group is not run by professionals, but is rather a self-help group where participants support each other. They sit around a table in a safe atmosphere, and each has the chance to tell his or her story.
"It's not about giving advice," she said. "People tell their story. Nobody says what you should do.
"You're not crazy," she added, "and that is one of the major things that the more experienced people can verify."
FINDING THE COURAGE
However, group meetings are not for everyone. Some prefer newsletters. The TCF has a chapter-specific newsletter that is published every two months. It is assembled by Brenda Evans, who lost her son only three years ago.
The newsletter covers both Seattle City chapter locations and is sent to about 70 to 80 people on a mailing list. Inside the newsletter are articles from the TCF's national office, chapter news, poems, book reviews, personal accounts, phone numbers people can call for support and a list of children's dates of birth and death. Some parents contribute photos, accompanied by touching notes or original works.
For Evans, getting involved with TCF took about a year and an immense amount of courage.
"It took me a long time to get involved," she said. "But you're with other people who know what it feels like to put on a funeral for a child. I know that there's always somebody somewhere that says something I can take away with me."
Though the first step was the most difficult, Evans is glad she is involved with TCF and in charge of the newsletters.
"My involvement in the group validates my feelings. My involvement in the newsletter makes me feel like I'm helping others," she said.
DETAILS
■ WHAT:
The Compassionate Friends bereavement support group
■ WHEN:
March 17, 7 p.m. (meets third Thursday of each month)
■ WHERE:
Central Area Senior Center 500 30th Ave. S.
■ CONTACT:
Jokhanah Ennes, 721-3306
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