City Councilman Mike O'Brien, as part of the 1 percent, I thank you and your colleagues for banning plastic grocery bags. Once again, the government has made us richer. I am both grateful and tickled, and promise to follow up with a little something extra for whatever political campaign you'd like to run.
Plastic grocery bags. They're illegal in Seattle now, and not a moment too soon. My timber partnership, my oil stocks, my chemical stocks, my paper stocks, and my bottled water concession – they all hate plastic grocery bags and love paper, and they are grateful.
Did I say thank you, City Hall? Well thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Mike, I especially appreciated your environmental arguments. You sponsored the ban, Mr. O'Brien. Did you come up with the “green” rationale all by yourself? A gold star for you, and a little extra in the dish when the time comes, you clever poodle! Yes, I do realize that we're in Seattle, competing with Portland for the title of most gullible town in the West. But, come on, who wouldn't admire someone who can sell the laughable fiction that paper bags are better than plastic for Earth, our mother and provider of all profits?
Tell me, Mr. O'Brien, how did you keep the little people from doing a simple Internet search on the subject? They'd have learned that paper bags are responsible for at least 10 times the water pollution and four times the air pollution as plastic. Even those reusable bags, many made out of thick “polypropelene,” are worse than the ones we just outlawed. But you got everyone to ignore the facts and jump on the bandwagon. When it comes time to run for higher office, make sure to give me a call.
I do worry a little bit about the re-usables. Full of e coli, norovirus, dead insects, floor dust, and God only knows what else. People should wash them after every visit to the store, but people get busy. Oh well, maybe I should add my health care stocks to the plus list. Eventually, shoppers will get wise and have the checkers put everything in a paper bag, and then insert that bag in the reusable carrier. Win, win, win!
By the way, Mike, I am also invested in the basketball arena that you support. Silent partnership. I am mightily impressed by you, the mayor, and the city staff. When they came out last week and said that the I-91 requirement for a “cash on cash” return equal to 30-year Treasury bonds wouldn't apply because the city will borrow the money before handing it over to Chris Hansen, well, once I stopped laughing and got up off the floor, I had to salute whoever came up with that total whopper. This city's administration has some world-class talent, I'll tell ya!
Out in the private sector where I made my money, a cash-on-cash return requirement would apply to every debt service payment the city and county make: $13 million or so each year, for 30 years.
But what do I know, Mike? I've only borrowed and spent with the best of 'em. My corporate board wouldn't have floated the city's pathetic story past our shareholders, much less put ourselves in the position of justifying it to the Securities and Exchange Commission when they questioned our financial filings. But you're in politics, and you can say absolutely anything! God almighty, this is a great nation!
Back to plastic bags. You know the best thing about your ban, Mike? I don't even have to sell my oil stocks. It only affects hardly any plastic in a grocery store, and none in other retailers. You can't touch the rest of it because you'd interfere with interstate commerce. (When it comes to the constitution and what the Supreme Court might say about it, trust me, we've got that covered.) So my timber land does well because more trees get cut down, and my oil companies keep pumping out more plastic every year. Bingo!
Heck, they'll even sell more oil to ship paper bags than plastic ones, because paper's so much heavier – not to mention fuel for the machines that cut down trees and truck them to the mills. And my chemical companies! Mike, do you have any idea how much they love anything to do with paper, virgin or recycled? And my bottled water partnership. See, the chemicals go from the paper mill into the ground water … well, you get the idea. Thank you. Thank you ever so much!
Mr. O'Brien, you're awesome. So are the rest of the city council, the Mayoral Raccoon, and his lickspittle city staff. You've convinced much of Seattle that we're greener now. Soon, you'll b.s. the fools with the idea that it's not cash if it's borrowed. Then you and the rest of the city council will rubber stamp our arena deal. Tell me, how do you think the 1percent got so rich, anyway? (Repeat after me: “public-private partnerships.”)
In the basketball business, we say: Slam dunk! Once the arena is built and we've slapped a Super Sonics label on the Sacramento Kings, you'll have to come up to my suite. I have some people who you'll want to meet. They'd love to have a Democrat or two in the portfolio. And when we serve dinner, I'll make sure we put yours in a paper bag.
You can reach Magnolia Mencken at magmenck@gmail.com.