How do we deal with gun violence? My experience in the Voluntary Simplicity movement has given me some insights.
When we want social change, we need to lure people in with a positive vision. Some people respond out of commitment, but most need to feel inspired and hopeful. I think it’s like that as we respond to gun violence. How do we give people hope? How do we inspire them? I think we need to talk about creating a more caring culture.
There’s something in our culture that makes us prone to anger, meanness and violence. How do we move from “Every man for himself” to “We’re all in this together”? How do we get people to care about the common good, to see that their own self-interest is tied in with the interest of the greater good?
Sliding backward
There’s a relatively new book out (2011) that gives me some ideas: It’s called “Dignity: The Essential Role It Plays in Resolving Conflict,” by Donna Hicks, an associate with Harvard University’s Weatherhead Center for International Affairs. Her thesis is that at the heart of every conflict is the human desire for dignity, the desire to be treated by others as if you have worth and value. When your feeling of dignity is violated, you lash out.
And we can be hopeful. The direction of our history has been toward more dignity and human worth — abolishing slavery, giving people equal rights. But increasing gun violence suggests that we have slipped back in recent years. I’ve always heard that, before things change, there is a huge, negative outburst — kind of like a boil bursting before healing begins. Maybe that’s what’s happening today.
Achieving dignity
Let’s take a look at the attributes of dignity that Hicks lists:
•Acceptance — Don’t judge people; try to see their humanity. Try to find something to connect with.
•Inclusion — Help others feel they belong. Smile at people as you go through your day. Stop and chat.
•Safety — Help people feel safe in your presence. Don’t rant and rave and talk about how dumb people are. Don’t go around angry all the time.
•Acknowledgement — You need to let people know you’re listening to them by responding with your own story or nodding in agreement.
•Recognition — People rarely feel recognized for who they are. It goes beyond compliments: It’s letting people know that you see their “true” selves, like sending someone a news article because you know it’s a subject they’re interested in.
•Fairness — This is so basic. It’s what we hear out of the mouths of kids: “That’s not fair! He got a bigger piece than me!” In particular, this means treating people as equals, not being competitive, not dominating a conversation.
•Benefit of the doubt — Treat people in a way that says you assume that they are trustworthy. This may be one of the hardest ones: The level of trust has dropped way down in our society, and apparently, trust is a big part of well-being. Most of us expect people to try to take advantage of us.
•Understanding — Treat people in a way that says that you understand what they are thinking, that you respect their ideas and feelings, that you would like to talk more with them.
See conversation as a barn-raising, not a battle. It’s not a contest!
•Accountability — Be responsible for your own behavior. If you have violated someone’s dignity, apologize and change your behavior. And it should be a real apology, not the kind most politicians seem to make, saying, “If someone was offended, I apologize,” instead of giving a simple “I’m sorry.”
The wonderful thing about these ideas is that we can all work on them every day of our lives and feel that we’re making a difference!
CECILE ANDREWS is the author of “Less is More,” “Slow is Beautiful” and “Circle of Simplicity.” Watch for her forthcoming book “Living Room Revolution: A Handbook for Conversation, Community and the Common Good.” She can be reached at cecile@cecileandrews.com.