I got a second date - finally. Lately, I'd realized I'd become a serial first-dater. While I enjoyed opportunities to hone my small-talk skills, the absence of follow-up calls left me self-conscious about my breath.On the other hand, a second date and the potentiality of a third will require I face a bigger problem: my commitment phobia.FOR MYSELFI don't keep my inability to sign on the dotted line a secret, but few people expect it, even though I exhibit all the classic symptoms, such as serial dating. However, I fail on one count: I'm not a guy. Contemporary gender-biased stereotyping says men fail to commit; supposedly, as a gal, I'm on the prowl for a husband.Female commitment phobics do exist, and in our own way, we can pulverize more hearts than our male counterparts. After all, society has conditioned most guys to think their mention of marriage will meet huzzahs and a flood of affection - not walking papers.In reality, when I want a gold band, I'll buy one. My reasons for dating usually have less to do with long-term goals and more to do with short-term diversion.For a while, I did date a Ukrainian man to satisfy my curiosity about his homeland, and as a result, I learned about dating a communist. (Please don't tell my Republican parents.) I also considered dating a guy once to get a ride in his MG convertible.FOR THE MENGuys, sometimes we do need to talk. I know this is the most frightening phrase in the English language, but conversation could avoid heart pulverization later on.I'd had no preparation when a date introduced me one day to his friend as "my fiancée." Instantly, I felt hangover-like symptoms without the fun of drinking. I hadn't thought we were that serious. After all, when he pressed for physical intimacy, I didn't think he wanted to marry me - I thought he was being a guy.Is the relationship about companionship, sex or matrimony? Clues like a breadcrumb trail might help in place of the direct approach and pronouncements about feelings. Clues may work, but specific words work better.FOR THE WOMENGals, sometimes he doesn't want to talk because he doesn't have a clue. It would be nice to know where the relationship is going or where he hopes it will go, but sometimes a fog shrouds our feelings.Last year, I dated a New-Age Sensitive Male (NASM) and discovered the downside of endless, soul-scratching talk. Eventually, there is nothing more to say. Also, feelings change, even for those of us (like me) who think we are in touch with them.Relationships don't always proceed in a direct path - from meet, fall and marry - and daily updates about where I am on the scale grow tedious.On what moment can I predict the long-term potentiality of our relationship? When I'm hungry, caffeine-deprived or sleepy? Or as we stare at a beautiful vista, recover from a prolonged laughfest or reel from the sweetness of a kiss?FOR THE FUTUREMy relationship with the NASM ended when he started talking marriage. I enjoyed his company and I liked him well enough, but not to marry, and when I realized this, I told him so. I honestly thought we could continue to date and segue into friends. Instead, he stormed off and, nearly a year later, still refuses to speak civilly to me.As I figure out what to wear and what to say on my third date, I will look to the future - like tonight. Contemplating forever is out of the question. If things go well, maybe I'll strike fear in his heart: "We have to talk."Sofia lives in North Seattle. She can be reached at needitor@nwlink.com.[[In-content Ad]]
